My Disease

So much of the time we're focused on Mitchell's health that we fail to talk about my own disease. What I have is pervasive and debilitating. A break out sneaks up on me when I least expect it and causes havoc. Nowadays my illness is at its worst at parks, parties and the mall; in my single days it flared up when out with friends in the social scene. The name I've given for what I have is Comparison-itis.

Have you heard of this illness? You might have it yourself if you catch yourself sizing up what someone else has or doesn't have compared to you. "She's more attractive...more successful...but I have more balance in my life and have a better husband..." It can be an obsession. If you have it, you're especially vulnerable to an outbreak when you have children. "That kid was potty trained at 18 months and eats all his vegetables, mine watches cartoons and has strawberry mix in his milk - I must be a bad mom." Let me tell you, there's nothing like having a child with developmental delays that makes you feel like you don't compare. No parenting article offers advice right for you, no TV show relates.

Some may say Comparison-itis is human nature. I am probably highly susceptible to it as I have a competitive nature, although I wouldn't call myself a jealous person. Yet, when I see a healthy, happy infant, I ache with pain knowing our family's story is different.

In case you too suffer, I thought I'd share a couple antidotes that have worked for me in alleviating the pains of this horrid disease. The first thing that's been quite effective for me is ACCEPTANCE. When I was single and seeming to be one of the last ones getting married, I was easy prey for green-eyed Comparison-itis. While I was happy for friends who were settling down, I admit I worried..."What's wrong with me?" When Chris came around and from the start accepted everything about me, suddenly I was in remission. No longer was confidence a facade or only shown at work. Chris' love and acceptance of me gave me happiness in myself and put Comparison-itis at bay.

I think of this when trying to get to a place of acceptance with Mitchell. I can't express how much I love him. But Chris and I have a performance mindset that is not always healthy. How do we handle that Mitchell is atypical and put away expectations any parent has for his or her child? We're not ones to settle. I encourage myself by remembering how I value Chris' acceptance and work on unconditionally accepting Mitchell, while not limiting possibilities. For me, this takes PRACTICE and PATIENCE.

The second way I've found to combat Comparison-itis is through what I call FLASH-PRAYERS. Someone once taught me that a good way to work through forgiving someone is to deliberately offer prayers of blessing for them. I've found this works against Comparison-itis too. So when I see a child that's half Mitchell's age crawling, talking and more, instead of letting that get me down, I silently offer a quick flash-prayer, giving thanks for that child. I think about how lucky the family is to have such a thriving child and pray for the development to continue. Doing this is counter-intuitive, but for me it works like a charm. How can you stay upset with someone or think negatively about someone when your heart and head are focused on positive imagery regarding the situation?

Of course, I'm far from perfect. My mom wisely counseled me not to lose my compassion for others after I lamented about how one child's occasional ear infection couldn't possibly compare to taking my son to 7+ times per week therapy and doctor appointments. She essentially reminded me that stress and problems don't necessarily have a stack ranking. I try to remember that as well and work on having genuine empathy for others. In the end, I hope my heart is being healed, reoriented opposed to the pattern of comparison.