In Search of Hope (by Steven Manuel)

Awhile ago I asked a friend if he wanted to write something for this blog. He and his wife were instrumental in helping Chris and I cope with the understanding of growth through the suffering involved with having a child who requires total care. Thank you Steven for writing this eloquent post! And thanks for all friends who encourage and support us along our journey!

“Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick.” -Proverbs 13:12

The care of someone with special needs, indeed any endeavor that requires great reserves of self-sacrifice, is like riding the tides: you vacillate (to varying degrees) between the peaks of satisfaction/reward and the troughs of despair and ennui. Your emotions thrive one day, and languor the next. That despair, that languor can properly be called hopelessness. Why else do we give into despair but that we have no hope? When we feel that our options are bankrupt and our stores are spent, we cannot consider the future with any optimism. In that place, we’re left defenseless against fear, anxiety, and all the other bugbears that haunt us in the darkness of the night. It’s not good.

In an effort to get to the bottom of this hope/lessness issue, let’s look to that old bastion of ancient wisdom, the Bible. When we do, we find is that it’s chock full of instruction on the subject. To wit:

- Those who speak on the subject know what they’re talking about. Interestingly, those who mention hope the most are those who suffered the most: Job (he of the killed children, slaughtered cattle, and leprosy—not to mention the nagging, negative, God-cursing wife), David (whose life story reads like an adventure novel: he was chased into hiding for years by a jealous king then, once made king himself, his first-born son died as an infant, then his second son, who intended to overthrow his father’s reign, was later killed in battle), the prophet Jeremiah (whose life was a living sermon to the Israelites regarding the pain is God’s heart over their faithlessness and callousness—including being thrown into prison, then into a cistern, and finally being held under house arrest. Another prophet, Hananiah, even opposed him, breaking a yoke that Jeremiah wore to symbolize captivity; moreover, the priest Pashhur beat him and put him in stocks), and the apostle Paul (who was famously homeless and destitute for years; shipwrecked three times; beaten, flogged, and imprisoned; stripped of his high social status because of his faith; and finally beheaded, or so we’re told). There are no untouched-by-human-hands ‘scholars’ writing to us about hope in the Bible. Our sources from wisdom are men who were familiar with pain, isolation, and even torment. So apparently, hope is an important commodity to those who suffer. Well we knew that already, but at least the Bible agrees.

- Hope requires that we not tie the future to the past or present. Hopelessness is myopic: we cannot conceive of a future that’s better (or even, distinct) from the pain and confusion of our present. Hope turns this around, insisting that even if a tree is cut to the ground, it can sprout again (Job 14:7).

- This brand of seeing-beyond-my-circumstances hope requires, of course, an anchor outside ourselves. Otherwise, hope is nothing but Happy Wishing, which is illusory and rather sad. The anchor, at least in the Bible’s view of the world, is, of course, God. And not just God as Big Great God Who Maketh The Cosmos, but a particular aspect of God: his love.

"The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear Him, upon those who hope in his unfailing love." - Psalm 33:18

"Oh, Israel! Put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love!" - Psalm 130:7

"Whoever hopes in God gets their strength renewed." - Isaiah 40:31

- Hope seems to be grown primarily in suffering, as we’ve seen. But if your goal is hope (as it’s a desirable characteristic of God and, so, of a redeemed, whole human) then, in some strange way, suffering also becomes, if not desirable per se, at least as helpful in shaping us. At least, you can’t read Paul without seeing his gratitude regarding his suffering…

"We… rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." -Romans 5:3-5

- Paul actually prayed that his friends would have hope (Romans 15:13, Ephesians 1:18). Does that mean that he wanted them to experience suffering, as well? We can’t say, exactly. But he did seem to indicate that not having hope is a form of immaturity and even godlessness:

"Brothers, I do not want you to be ignorant… or to grieve like those who have no hope." - I Thessalonians 4:13

"An evil man has no future hope…" -Proverbs 24:20

- Other hope factoids: Hope produces security (Job 11:18), hope is a conscious choice (Psalm 42:5), hope removes shame (Psalm 25:3), and hope protects us from the deathly reflex of asking why (Job 13:15).

Fascinating stuff. While it’s hard to get a place, no matter how pious it sounds, where we actually desire suffering (what are we, masochists?!), it’s clear that the Bible teaches that hope can be had by putting one’s trust in God’s character and words. Outside of Him, there is no promised shelter from the storms of life. So today, I think of the Brownings, and the suffering I’ve seen in my own life, and I resolve to press into hope.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." - Lamentations 3:19-26

My Mom Brand

(may want to turn off music on playlist at bottom)

Have you seen this? It's funny. Makes me think of something I've been pondering..."What's my mom brand?"

What is a brand exactly? Some of my definitions: a sign or symbol; a collection of perceptions; a set of assets…or liabilities; a promise. In sum a brand is...whatever people say it is.

I always ask people at work - especially interviewees - "What is your personal brand?" or to help them, "What are you known for?" (BTW, worst answer so far was "I'm like a Hershey's Kiss - just too sweet." Blech!) I can answer that myself pretty well in the professional area of my life. It dawned on me it was time to formalize my persona when it comes to my children.

I think some families do this as a whole. I've seen personal mission statements typed up and framed in some homes. In a way, they are determining their brand.

So what is my mom brand? It's definitely different than it would have been if Mitchell would have been typical and that's a good thing. I'm certain my perspective is less on achievement and more on acceptance than it might have been. I surprise myself that while I instill a routine and put emphasis on safety, I'm not that strict. I hear myself say sometimes, "I believe in moderation."

Since I am trying to figure this out, I decided to do what a good marketer would do...go to the customer. So recently when Luke and I were having some one on one time I asked him some questions including, "Luke, how would you describe your mommy?"

No answer. Try again.

"What does mommy mean to you?", "What do I teach you?"

Silence.

Desperate I asked him whether he was understanding God was most important, that our family always loves or that it's important to try no matter what the outcome may be...

He looked up. A teenager-like response: "Mom, I know all those things."

"Did you learn those things from me?"

He said confidently, "No, I'm teaching myself those things."

Duh.

Made me wonder...what if I'm so brilliant my mom brand involves a remarkable ability to persuade Luke to behave correctly and make wise choices all while having him believe it's his own doing?

Some of this was confirmed by "competitive research" - in other words I asked Chris or "Dad". When I asked him what my mom brand is, he said that I'm very patient and smart when it comes to dealing with the boys. (Me, patient???? I'll take it!!)

Of course the obvious question to you...what's your brand?

On a related note, here are a couple of my favorite branding sites for more inspiration: http://www.brandtags.net
http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/10/brandyou.html

Another Wreath

Really...I'm not very crafty, but I had all the supplies to make the wreath I found here: http://theredthreadblog.blogspot.com/2008/11/paper-christmas-wreath-tutorial.html (If you have trouble go to http://www.theredthreadblog.blogspot/ and search for wreath.)

Here's the inspiration:

Here's my creation. Took less than 1 hour. I used scrapbook paper, original made of heavy wrapping paper. Next time maybe more leaves and a little more curve to them. But not bad! I'm going to hang it on the sliding glass doors that lead out to our screened in porch. Like it?

Old Photos

A couple years ago I made photo book online for my dad with pictures he had from my grandma. (Easy - I used http://www.shutterfly.com/.) I came across some of the scans I did for the book and since this has become my own virtual scrapbook, I thought I'd post some of my favorite ones here.

Here are great shots of my dad as a boy (my brother Craig's young pics look just like this!) and when he was in the Army after high school - very handsome!

Another special one...my mom and dad's wedding photo. Rock Hudson and Doris Day, no?

Then there are these of my grandma and my grandpa. My grandpa Nick was actually my grandma's second husband. My dad's father was also named Nick. She was married to each Nick for 30 years!

But this one is my favorite...how cool and mod is my grandma - and mother of 4 - sipping a hi-ball and showing some shoulder? She might as well be hanging out with the Rat Pack!

Randomness

Here are various things I haven't posted about...

Transition Time
Friday Mitchell started the evaluation process with our local school system as he will graduate out of the county's Help Me Grow program when he turns 3. The evaluation determines an Individualized Education Plan, especially how the assistance will be provided. We were expectant wondering whether Mitchell would be approved to go to the elementary school starting in the preschool setting. Alas, home care would be best for his "abilities". However, that means at some level our/your taxes will be put to work having therapists come to our home which will be convenient and eliminate associated out of pocket expenses.

Any conversation like this has its ups and downs - I try to remain a pleasant but assertive parent. Chris ironically is a little more impatient. Therefore as the meeting concluded, it was an ill-timed blow when the visiting speech therapist rear-ended our mailbox and garbage cans.



Time Management
I'm reading a book on working motherhood and in it found this statistic from authors Greenberg and Avigdor, "Mothers who have children with special challenges - physical or mental - actually spend the equivalent of one additional full day on the job of caring for that child every week - that's an additional 20% per day increase in our workload." ...I'm just saying...

Art
One of Mitchell's most special birthday presents was this drawing my friends Bev and Michael had done by a high school girl they know. I always have meant to post a picture of it because we love having it.

This Blog
I posted awhile back how I was working with someone to get the look of this blog enhanced. Well, I felt like the designer and I spoke different languages, then my something screwy happened when I went to pay via PayPal so I just stopped the process. (I'm sure my issue, not theirs.) I still want a more professional looking page - I'll get to it sometime I'm sure.

I've Got a Hunch You'll Like...

Visit www.hunch.com, a new way to get assistance making decisions. Answer some questions about yourself and it filters through various options helping you decide anything from which camera to buy to which sad movie to watch to where you should go on vacation. Great time waster if nothing else!

Preschool Art Show

A special night for us - Luke's art show. This night of the year, his classroom is transformed into a museum displaying all the great works the children have created since the start of school. It's worth the wait of not getting to have much be brought home in his backpack. (Click on each picture if you want to see more detail.)

Veterans Day...Together

Chris is a stockbroker. Typically he works bank holidays because many times even though the bank is closed, the market is open. Since he switched to work for a new bank, his office is closed at such times. So no work for him today. As he is a Veteran (Navy/Gulf War I), we decided today was a fitting opportunity for me to also take off a day before the end of the year to spend a nice day together - just the two of us. Frankly, something like this is much overdue!What a fantastic day!

We did start it off by taking Mitchell to Cincinnati Children's to have necessary blood work done, then we dropped him off at his school. From there we headed south, had some pastries and coffee and did a little shopping on our way to Elk Creek Winery in Owenton Kentucky. Out of the way, it is a very nice lodge that features Kentucky and other American wines. You can even skeet shoot there. If that's not your thing, weekends have massages and cooking classes available. It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed the uncharacteristically laid back time we spent. (Funny, while there we ran into other bankers with whom Chris used to work enjoying the day too!) Doesn't it look like we were having a great time?...

It's a Deal

What is it about me that loves getting a deal? I've already been feeling pressure to Christmas shop with the retailers we have left out there encouraging us to "beat even the early birds."

I found out today I'm not alone. A coworker - a man no less - turned me on to a couple of deal-watching sites. Check out www.dealnews.com and www.blackfriday.com . He was intrigued seeing yesterday's deal at Walmart - an XBOX for $99, after paying $199 and getting a $100 rebate. Who knows what other steals we might find between now and Christmas?!

Luke-isms

I came home from work one day. Luke came rushing toward me for a hug as usual. This hug lasted a little longer. I said, “I am so blessed that you are my son.” Well I guess I never referred to him as that before because he let out a big laugh and said, “I’m not the sun.” Then added sarcastically. “You’re my moon.” I tried to explain. He kept on, “You’re my star.” He still doesn’t get it but we repeat this now for fun.

We were headed out somewhere and I said I something about it being a priority to make sure I had my lipstick with me. We went to get my purse. Luke said, “So you have your kyorities now?” I didn’t know what on earth he meant. Then I realized he was asking whether I had my PRIorities in order. Shallow, but I guess to me lipstick is a priority!

Halloween!

Our street has 12 houses on it so we took up the offer to trick-or-treat around our friends' home. Their area was rumored to do it up right and boy did they. With front yards strewn with spider webs, grave sites and coffins, no wonder each house goes through 500 or so pieces of candy!

Loyal It's Browning Blog readers might notice that Luke is wearing the same Power Rangers costume as last year. Back when he had his cast on, we bought a knight costume for him. Given the circumstances, he couldn't try it on. It appealed to him as it came with a shield, a sword, an axe, a helmet and body armour for one arm. Well, it turned out to be way too tight. So back to being blue Ranger! Mitchie was Tigger selected for its warmth.