"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable." Madeleine L'Engle

I remember thinking when I grew up I wanted to go to a grocery store and buy myself a whole frozen cream pie. I have no idea why. I guess growing up I always wanted to have more - a bigger piece. When I graduated from college and was living on my own, I did go buy myself such a pie and as you might suspect it was in no way worth the build up.

I also recall being driven to be independent. I always wanted to be in a position in which I could take care of myself. This pursuit does not fit well with the notion of vulnerability. If you are strong, you don't show weakness. Sometimes that means you deny true feelings. You stay at a distance.

Well, I'm 43 years old and I'll be vulnerable enough to say, I've finally figured out I'm not strong. I desperately need people and I need help sometimes conveying my feelings and being open, approachable.

What do I hide?

1. Food addiction. Thinking back on that pie, I've known for a long time I've hid behind food. A sugar addict, I indulged more than I should. Since mid-October I've found strength in this area, lost as of this morning 23 pounds and figured out how to have more self-control and healthy eating habits. I have prayed about getting to this place so many times, but only when I completely let go and made it not about losing weight and what other people thought have I found more peace concerning food.

2. Mitchell confusion. I'm confused about my approach to Mitchell. I generally operate in a surface-level mode with Mitchell. I try not to dwell on the negative or the unknown future. Chris and I have committed to a lifestyle where he fits into our family rather than our family revolving around his needs. We aim to not have his constraints dictate what we do. Recently his various health and development concerns have made this harder.  I've let other people's suppositions, requests and concerns chip into my perspective. Some of the feedback and inquiry seems to me to be based out of fear. It has hit me lately how hard it is physically, emotionally and time-management-wise to have a disabled son. I've found myself unusually bitter about the costs we incur for Mitchell and how others "just don't get it." All this makes me wonder, have I been living in a bubble or denial? Which is right? Being more consumed with Mitchell's care or figuring out for ourselves how to make our complicated family dynamic work? I don't know.

3. Work/life balance. I'm comfortable and challenged at work and hope I'm still considered a performer, but my ambition has been dampened ever so slightly by the burdens of our complex home life. I struggle with balancing my career goals with what's best for me and my family.

4. Friendship worries. I struggle with friendship at times. I have so many treasured friends, but often I feel guilty because I don't spend enough time with them. I tend not to want to talk at length about my struggles, sure not wanting to seem too weak, but moreover not wanting to be a burden or make others feel uncomfortable. I've been trying to figure out how to be more free and less tit-for-tat in friendship for a while now. I've tried to be better about letting people in and asking for help. This, like the rest, is a work in progress.

5. Dental visits. I won't go into details, but let's just say I'm not as regular in going as I should be. Alas, appointment set for next week!

It make me both nervous and forthright to post this. I'm actually filled with so much anticipation for 2012, setting new goals and getting all areas of my life organized. Don't think I'm not in a good place! I am! Just want to clear out the cobwebs. Shine a big bright light on the things in my life that ain't so perfect so they don't hinder my ability to experience true joy in this mixed up, wonderful life of mine.